Spring Forward, Confidence Blown

Monday.  Monday was my cliff of confidence and I got pushed off.  First of all, it was the first work day after Daylight Savings.  I hit snooze three times!  I honestly don't remember the alarm going off the first time.

I was supposed to have a training session with Sarah, but work was really busy and I had a date at 7.  A date!  A first date!  This was my first foray into dating since my ex and I broke up last year.  I've been doing the online thing for a few months, but never got to the point of going out with someone.  It's just been emailing here and there and it was going nowhere.  My friend Brittany says I should update my pictures because my hair is shorter and my face is thinner.  I will take that advice, but I'm just not "there" yet.

My date was with a guy named Matt.  He is a year older than me and lives in the next suburb over.  Divorced dad of a teenage girl.  Seemed like a funny and interesting guy on the phone and via text.  We were going to meet at a local chain restaurant for dinner.

I was definitely nervous.  This was my first first date in over three years.  I did mention to Matt that my hair was shorter than in my pictures.  He was fine with that.  He knew I worked out a lot and joked that he didn't like women too thin, liked more of a Jennifer Lopez-type.  Cool.  I'm not at my goal weight, but I have lost a lot of weight and I feel and look great!  I mean, everyone I know says so and they've seen me at my absolute heaviest.

I wore my favorite fuschia v-neck sweater with beading.  And I wore my never-worn size 14 jeans.  Size 14!!!  I've been in size 14 slacks/pants for a while, but denim is an unforgiving fabric.  I looked fabulous.   The jeans fit me perfect.  I was so excited to finally wear these jeans that I bought MONTHS ago.   I did my hair and makeup with meticulous care.  This was time to debut the newest version of me to the dating world.

Now, I didn't have my hopes set too high.  The chances of this being the man of my dreams were low.  I mean, no one is THAT lucky to meet someone that will totally sweep them their feet right away.

We met outside the restaurant.  He looked like his pictures, even though a few were taken a couple years ago.  He was more gray than in his pictures.  That's okay.  He was still what I expected and I found him attractive.

We were seated at the table.  He never once looked at me.  He looked in my general area.  He didn't like me.  I wanted to disappear.  I wanted to be anywhere but there.  He didn't want to be there either, but it was because he was disappointed.

We ordered our food and got bad service.  My food was fine, but he ordered a side sauce for his sandwich which didn't arrive until the sandwich was cold.  Thinking back on it, maybe that's what he deserved.  We talked, but there were a lot of painful silences.  I was the one trying to make conversation because I was hoping at least to make this less miserable.

All of the confidence and progress I had made in the last nine months was completely erased in the span of 40 minutes.  Someone I didn't know took all of that work and took a dump on it because I didn't meet his standards.  I know you are all thinking that I shouldn't let this get me down, but it's a little hard when you're sitting across from someone who doesn't want to even make eye contact with you.

Oddly, he wanted to walk me to my car, gave me a hug, and told me to text him when I got home.  Um, okay.  I did text him and we exchanged a few texts, but I don't know why.  This dude clearly wasn't interested.

Not to be rude, but he shouldn't date someone by their appearance if you know what I mean.  He's not perfect.  But oh well, it was an experience.  Not a good experience, but an experience.

So, that totally deflated my confidence/self-esteem/pride.   It doesn't help that this is coming at the tail-end of the most horrific winter in my life.  Also, to add insult to injury, I'm plateauing in my weight loss.  I was ripe for the picking on this emotional roller coaster.  My mood has improved a bit even though I feel like I'm eating to compensate for my weight plateau depression.

I won't quit, but I think I need a little time to be sad.  This has been the worst week I've had in a long time.  I'm going to allow some wallowing and then get back at it.   I will get to my goal eventually.

I'll end this post with some positive memes.